Caught With the Meat in Your Mouth

Parents, teachers, religious leaders, and now lawmakers, are paying close attention to what has grown into a frightening new craze for Texas teenagers. It's called "wilding" by area psychologists, and its described as a form of reckless bonding akin to closeted homosexual behavior.
Local teen Eric Neusbomb's father calls it "queer-ass bullshit."
"My son," says an irate Ted Neusbomb, "Is no faggot! But this shit is way out of line!"
Eric and his friends (pictured above) call their odd practice the "chain-fuck."
"It's like this shorty, first we line up in one direction and grab each other's bozacks 'til a nut is busted, then we swing around the opposite way for the second nut. That way all my bro-bros get covered."

Beaumont, Texas assistant D.A. Dan Brownlick insists that "all this foolishness" will soon stop. "We're passing an ordinance through city council that will prohibit this so-called wilding. Any parent who suspects their children of indulging in this perversion, and it is perverted, can bring their kids to the county lock-up for a week-end long boot camp-like seminar in proper sexual behavior. We feel that by locking these miscreants in with a bunch of other similar types will be just the ticket. We are calling it the Lock-In for Fun Weekend, and we'll be giving away prizes and awards for kids who show cooperation."

Eric and his friends also perform in a local teen band called 4 Second Orgasm Kings who can be seen this Saturday at the Our Sister's of Charity Spring Fling. Eric says of the event, "We're gonna be shreddin' that mofo if my dad un-grounds me!"