Local Band Defies Space/Time Continuum - By Rockin'

Spartanburg, South Carolina (AP Wire)
Local heros Tuff Shitz haven't always had it so good. Lead singer and whore wrangler Bobby Blazer puts it this way, "We haven't always had it so good."

South Carolina's answer (but who asked any questions?)to Poison, Stryper, Accept, and Warrant have been toiling in obscurity in Blazer's parents' garage ever since he and bassist/bong inspector Mickey Maxxipad first heard Ratt's "Round and Round."
"When we saw how cool those guys looked, we knew we had to quit our jobs at Baskin-Robbins and get down to doin' some serious rockin'."
The first step for the fledgling hair band was to tear off the sleeves from all their shirts.

"That's right. They all had to go. Do you think Randy Rhoades or Ronnie James Dio needed sleeves to rock? Did you ever see Stephen Pearcy with fuckin' sleeves? Hell, no! Sure it got a little cold sometimes, and I did go over board by tearing off the sleeves to all my winter coats and sweaters, too. But hey, when in Rome, right?"

Then the uncertain linguists needed to score the perfect band name.
"Yeah, we had to come up with somethin', well, rockin'" says Maxxipad. "And we wanted to be tough. So we tossed around a lot of good ideas for a while."

Indeed, the band went through a number of names in the beginning. Blazer recounts:
"First we were Bareknuckle Masturbatorz for a while, 'till I realized that only sounds tough to junior high schoolers. Then there was Eatin Stoolz, Punchdrunk Donkeyfuckz, Grannypantyz, Pecker Trackz, Menstrual Cyclez, Sweaty Nutsackz, and The Vagina Monologuez.

None of those names stuck though until one fortuitous day when the band was being turned down for yet another gig during the dreaded "grunge era" when hair bands were at their lowest.
"Yeah," says Blazer. "We were walking out of this dude's office and he yelled 'Tough shit, dirtbags. You guys are fuck ups!' when it hit me. I turned and said to Mickey 'Dude! That's our new name!"
"Yeah," says Maxxipad. "I thought DirtBagz would be cool or Fuckupz. But he meant the tough shit part."

That day Tuff Shitz were born. Immediately things began changing for the band. They moved out of the garage and into more fitting rehearsal space in Blazer's parents' basement. And they began to get the hang of "that internet thing" as Blazer says.

Also, Blazer gave up his addiction to drugs which was a personal turning point for him, but has caused friction anew within the intricate balance of the band's internal dynamics. Blazer says, " I now see the danger of drugs and how they can interfere with the "rockin'" However, not everyone sees things Blazer's way. Maxxipad had this to say:
"Speak for yourself Bobbi, but you should get off your damn soapbox man. Me and Ron are getting sick of you always preaching about how drugs are bad and how we shouldn't do them, then running all the groupies away with your I'm better than you cos I don't do drugs. How quickly you forget about the people you stepped on and screwed over when you were doing coke hardcore. We never gave you any crap over what you did with your body, and you should give us the same respect. And yeah, I'm still pissed that you threw my 20 bag across the practice room the other night. That was totally uncool man. Better not do it again or you can find yourself another bassist."

Can there be harmony within this group of semi-talented throwbacks to another era? Will they ever achieve success in a world which continues to pass judgement on Tuff Shitz simply because they "suck?" Will the band ever figure out what an MP3 is?
Tuff Shitz have managed to hang around this long so it's likely that as long as Bobby Blazer can afford a poodle perm, Tuff Shitz will stay tuff. And shits.