Why I Hate MySpace.com

Like everyone else I guess, I checked into the MySpace.com thing to see what it was all about, and I quickly realized that, for the most part, I didn't like it. On the plus side, it's a cool way for bands to post their mp3s and show dates and connect with other like-minded souls, but I just despise this whole "hook-up" aspect. And what's with all the pop-ups? And who the fuck are all of these beautiful people? Are ugly people not allowed on MySpace? Everyone looks like an American Eagle model and has 4000 "friends." I have a sneaky feeling that this is just bullshit. Here's the typical male MySpacer:

He of the chiseled good looks and the spiky cool hair who calls himself D.J. Delicious or Loverbutt
or some silly name stolen from a character on a WB network program.
Here's his real photo which Uncle Torture Magazine was able to scoop from a reliable source:

Yes, ladies, your dreamboat is actually Fred Durst's even uglier brother.
As for the women, there are basically two types of girls usually found on MySpace.com. Either the pseudo-pornstar wannabe:

Or the cutesy-pie sorority girl:

Either way, she will probably turn out to be one of these two women:

Or in fact be this man:

Okay, so I know some people like MySpace.com because they can keep in touch with their "peeps," and that is important, but do we all need to be in on the action? It's kind of like some asshole yelling into a cell phone in the middle of the mall: I don't want to hear that shit! And I don't care that some 18-year-olds are going to go out and kick it on Friday night and want to give a shout out to their other middle-class, white suburban gangsta nigaz! It's like some gigantic, country-wide episode of Elimidate.
Still though, I'm not convinced that any of these people are actually real, so I've decided to conduct an experiment. This afternoon I changed the MySpace.com account I set up a few weeks ago to become the new account for Los Angeles' newest playa. In just a few hours, "Tai" has already acquired 5 new whores, I mean "friends," who apparently responded to "Tai's" status as a swinger or his amazing ability to be just 18 and already make over $200,000 a year. Or possibly it's his cavalier disdain for normal spelling or grammar. Now, I know I probably should be ashamed of myself for my deception of the poor, innocent youth of America, but I don't think I'm the only one pulling the proverbial wool over anyone's eyes. Anyway, after a week or so, I intend to give "Tai" a nice soap opera ending and have him die in a freak breakdancing accident. So before any poor girl can fall in love with this "hunk," he'll fade away from internet memory like so much deleted data.
So go visit "Tai" while you can and become his friend, you won't regret it.