Clubbo Records: Take a Reality Break

I've always been a big fan of music that never was. From The Rutles to Spinal Tap, to Pootie Tang and Timmy! and the Lords of the Underworld. And now (thanks Thompat) here's an entire mock indie record label bringing you four decades of the best of the "never were."

The Clubbo label features such stellar acts as Rockfinger (shitty 70's classic rock), The Spooky Bunch (weird, sexually-charged Saturday morning cartoon group), and Bleep (Gary Newman-esque New Wave), and they're better than anything you'll hear through the mainstream. My favorite is Suthrn Cuzn, a slice of high octane, chicken-fried, Southern boogie vulgarity from a band who hail from Israel!

The Clubbo concept is very detailed with complete back histories of the label, its founders, and all of the artists on the roster, including mp3s and lyrics of the acts' "biggest hits." Viva Clubbo! One more reason that the major labels are worthless anachronisms doomed to the shitpile of history, and the REAL art form of music is still alive and well despite the lack of interest by the general public who prefer to get their music and fashion tips from MTV and Cojo! Shopping mall punks and Paris Hilton fashionistas be damned!

Reality T.V. Tennessee Style!

The internet. It just keeps getting better and better! There is always a plethora of weird ideas and weird people populating the internet with their strange obsessions, peccadilloes, money-making schemes, and just plain stupidity (thanks to IndyGirl for this one). Here's one idea that I'm not sure is either great or just plain fucked-up.

Nevertheless, the Anderson County Sherrif's Department in Clinton, TN is proud to bring you: Redneck Lockdown!
Breakout Star Bubba Ho-Tep
See drunken farmboys gettin' booked for disorderly conduct!
See impossibly wound-up meth heads sit on plastic chairs and scratch themselves silly for hours on end!
Watch overweight County employees master the art of the "Office Chair Slide!" Oh, yeah! Prime time for this show is gonna be Friday nights between midnight and 3:00 AM. There's bound to be a lot of slow times, but the promised "instances of violence or sexually inappropriate behavior" should make the down time worthwhile. Watch and cheer on your favorite arrestee!
Yee-Haw!

Love Aint' Nothin' But a Business Goin' On

I Pity the Acid Head Fool!

Take a trip courtesey of Mr. T. Begin your freakout and hope you don't move past the temporal plane.

Country You Don't Want to Visit # 1

50 people die in a bus crash? maybe it's a cheap shot, but how the fuck do three buses crash simultaneously? What the hell's goin' on in Nigeria lately?
This is how bill collectors operate in Nigeria. "Pay your Cricket bill or my baboon will eat your foot!" Which reminds me of another picture: "Kiss my white ass or my attack dog will kill you!"
Okay, so this is a 40 year-old photo, but how much as really changed in America? Why is there distrust of Bush's efforts to "spread democracy" across the world? The effort to spread democracy is dangerous: It conveys to those who do not enjoy this form of government the illusion that it actually governs those who do. But does it? We now know something about how the actual decisions to go to war in Iraq were taken in at least two states of unquestionable democratic bona fides: the United States and the United Kingdom. Other than creating complex problems of deceit and concealment, electoral democracy and representative assemblies had little to do with that process. Decisions were taken among small groups of people in private, not very different from the way they would have been taken in nondemocratic countries.

Hi, everybody. It's awful, just terrible! The truth, that is. Well, they just don't make Hollywood marriages like they used to...or do they? True to my predictions, Brad and Jen finally broke up their abomination of a relationship, I mean, come on, do you really expect me to believe someone with Brad Pitt's ego would tolerate that shit-for-brains Anniston? Bring on Angelina Jolie and let the good times roll!




Is it true that Jim Carrey's career is over? My source in La-La Land spotted the wild man wandering down Wilshire Blvd. recently with the press clippings for Lemony Snicket pinned to his shirt and a revolver stuck in his mouth. Ouch!

It's official: Everyone on Planet Earth hates Ashlee Simpson. Even her own sister, adorable, but possibly retarded, Jessica Simpson, calls her little chump sister "gross." A petition is currently being circulated on the internet pleading for the brunette sack-of-shit "entertainer" to commit suicide as a form of penance and to aid Tsunami survivors. You go, Earthlings!

Well, that's all for now. My pool boy just arrived so it's time for my afternoon Cosmopolitan and B.J. Remember: It may not be true, but it's still awful!

America Gets Behind Tsunami Relief Effort

"Where's my Mai Tai?"
Spin control goes into overdrive as politicos attempt to soften America's warhawk image by parlaying the Southeast Asia tsunami disaster, or as it's referred to in the oval office, "Operation Save Face," into a world popularity ratings bonanza.
White House spokesman Clunt Sazzy says that "while the President is grief stricken over the suffering, it's all relative."

In a related story, the Ashlee Simpson Suicide Petition has reached the 2 million mark.

Academia +Tennessee=?

My Christmas break is nearly over and soon it will be time to go back to "work" as I will loosely refer to my employment. Theoretically, I teach college freshmen the finer points of writing and grammar. What I really do is try to keep from laughing out loud at my so-called students who don't seem to be able to follow the simplest set of instructions.

"What up, teach?"
For instance, any moron who has been to college knows that a fucking syllabus is a rather important document giving the student important due dates, schedule of assignments, contact information, etc... My brilliant students routinely throw theirs in the trashcan on the way out of class, leave them lying on the floor, or lose them sometime between the start of classes and the day of their final when they inform me "I didn't know I was suppose (sic) to keep all my essays and turn they (sic) in."
Brilliant!

"What's a verb, Dude?"
Of course, in a writing class one would presume that writing would be involved, right? Using a computer, right? Typing, in other words, right?
"I cain't use no computer, Professor King, cuz I ain't got no computer skills. Can I hand write my 10 page research paper with a magic marker on paper towels? By the way, I never heard of J.D. Salinger. Can I do my paper on 50 Cent?"
Exemplary!
Even those with "skills" seem to have no idea what proofreading pertains to, hence these lovely sample student sentences:
"Well, that's her in a nutsheild"
"Sexually transmitted disease can leave scars on your gentiles."
"A central theme in Shakespeare's MacBeast is guilt."
Sublime!
Still, some students go above and beyond the call of duty; case in point the overachiever who, after completing his essay on the day of the final, sat back down and waited ever so patiently until all the other students had left. When I asked him if there was some final bit of wisdom he wished to glean from me, he said "I just wanted to know what was for homework?"
Genius!

Why I'm Pretty Sure Australians Are Idiots

I have always had a suspicion that Australians were feeble-brained, loutish, drunken boors with ridiculous accents and bad music, yet normally I like feeble-brained, loutish, drunken boors.

However, this guy sets himself on fire and jumps off of shit...for FREE!
Fuckin' 'ell, even Evel Kneivel got PAID to break every bone in his red-white-and-blue-jumpsuited body. See Brian Concannon, "Mr. Inferno," cheered on by a drunken Aussie crowd too shit-faced to care that "Mr. Inferno" gets the shit knocked out of him after jumping off a cliff.
I think his best idea is the Extreme Art concept of creating paintings while on fire, but maybe he could take it a step further with Extreme Porn. That's two people (or more) fucking while on fire with a wildly cheering, drunk Australian mob in attendance. At least people would probably PAY to see it! Don't miss the ill-conceived "Bicycle-of-Death" stunt that goes horribly wrong.

A Weird Bird Flew in Through My Window - A Poem (for Eric)

In he flew, leaving a brush of white on the sill.
Anxious for a crumb, he killed himself
For one.

New York Art Shuttered after Chimp Artist Makes Monkey of Bush

Mon Dec 13, 3:57 PM ET

By Larry Fine (no kidding)
NEW YORK (Reuters) - A portrait of President Bush using naked, burrito-eating monkeys to form his image led to the closure of a New York art exhibition over the weekend and anguished protests from A.P.E. (American Primate's for Equality) on Monday over freedom of expression.

"Bush Monkeys," a small acrylic on canvas by Mr. Bubbles Savido, himself a Ghanian chimpanzee and self-taught French philosopher, created the stir at the Chelsea Market public space, leading the market's managers to close down the 60-piece show that was scheduled to stay up for the next month.
The show featured art from the upcoming issue of Sexy Animal Magazine, a quarterly publication featuring emerging animal artists.
"We had tons of people, well more like 10 people, show up for the opening on Thursday night," said 11-year-old show organizer Bucky Turco. "Then this manager saw the piece and the guy just kind of flipped out. 'The show is over. I had no frickin' idea these apes were liberals! Get this work down or I'm gonna arrest you,' he said. It's been kind of wild."
Turco took the show down on Saturday and moved the art work to his small downtown Animal Gallery, or as Turco's father calls it 'my goddamned workshed!' Prank phone calls to the management of Chelsea Market for comment were not returned.
From afar, the painting offers a likeness of Bush, but when you get closer you see the image is made up of chimpanzees or monkeys swimming in the nude, passing gas, and eating burritos.
Mr. Bubbles, 23, said he was surprised by the strong reaction to his painting, listed in the catalog at $3,500. The artist at home
"It seems like people got a kick out of it," Savido said. "When they really see it, they almost do a double-take. I like to get a reaction from people. Especially when they realize that I'm a fuckin' monkey."
The peanut butter-and-jelly-bred artist said he was happy for all the attention paid to his work but said the decision to shutter the exhibit was "a blatant act of simian censorship."
Savido plans to auction the painting and donate proceeds to an organization dedicated to freedom of ape expression.
"This is much deeper than art. This is fundamental simian rights, freedom of speech," Savido said. "To see that something like this can happen, especially in a place like New York City is mind boggling and scary."

Go to the Eddies Show!

Jack Gray's Eddies of the Wind CD
I've got to do some shameless promotion for Jack's CD because he won't do it himself. Jack has spent the last few years, basically, working on this album and it's a very good representation of his talents as a writer, performer, arranger, and producer. Several musicians such as Terry Clouse, Bob Courter, and Tim Salmon (among others) back Jack up on the disc, but the majority of the instruments are handled by Jack himself and he acquits himself very well. There's a little something for everyone on this CD: pyschedelic pop tunes that recall Psycho Bible, rootsy material reflecting Jack's Springsteen and Dylan influences, even electronica and prog rock. All in all, this is a great CD and everyone who claims to support local music should a have a copy of this in their collection. Go to audioquill.com to hear MP3 samples or just buy it. Also, the Psycho Bible CD itself is available for the first time on a newly-mastered CD through Audio Quill as well. I don't mind saying so myself, but it still kicks ass after all these years. It'll make ya wanna take drugs again!