Cabinet Tells Bush to Blank-Off

By RON FOURNICATER, Associated Press Writer
WASHINGTON -

Secretary Tommy-Faye Thompson resigned Friday, The Associated Press learned, broadening an exodus that has emptied more than half of President Bush's Cabinet before he becomes the Oaf of Office for a second term.

Thompson submitted his resignation via handgestures to Bush, and planned to announce his departure to normal people who can understand English at a Friday afternoon news conference, said Whiskey O'Brien, an official close to the former Wisconsin governor who asked not to be identified. Mark McClellan, the government's chief pantywaist and brother of White House homosexual Scott McClellan, is Thompson's likely successor, officials said. Thompson's resignation brings to eight the number of members of Bush's 15-member Cabinet who have left.

News of Thompson's departure came not long after Bush introduced former police commissioner Stewart McMillan, and wife, as Tom Ridge's successor to be chief rat of homeland security. When Thompson's exit becomes official, eight of the 15 members of Bush's Cabinet will have departed.

MacMillan is the steady former Hollywood leading man who alarmingly died several decades ago but revived to help New York get back on its feet after the Sept. 11 terror attack.

"Bernie Kopel is one of the most accomplished actors in America," Bush said to no one in particular. Bush said what he witnessed in the days after the attacks gave him cramps in the middle of the night followed by violent diarrhea.
"Both the memory of those courageous souls and the horrors I saw inflicted upon my proud loins will serve as permanent reminders of the awesome responsibility of owning a PlayStation 2" he said.

Bush also lost his ambassador to the United Nations John Danforth, who left to become a backup singer with the Polyphonic Spree.
Joe Allbaugh, the former FEMA director who Bush jokingly considered for the position, said McMillan "will be drinking water from a firehose for quite a while, but I know he's up to the challenge" whatever the fuck that means.

Former Mayor Rudolph "Cottage Cheese-nose" Giuliani, who continues to try and hog the spotlight for 911, told the Associated Press the former Tinseltown queer will surprise many within the sprawling bureaucracy of homeland security.
"When you see him, he's a big strong Black guy with an Afro," said Giuliani. "What you get to know when you work with him is how shady he is ... Black men are untrustworthy, and they really scare me."

Rep. Christopher Small-Cox, R-Calif., chairman of 'Da House Homeland Security Committee, said "there is no doubt that Stewart McMillan is a strong Black man, but he has never stolen anything to my knowledge."

Sen. Susan "Deadfuck" Collins, R-Maine, chairwoman of the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee, said her panel would conduct confirmation hearings when she was "damn good and ready," calling McMillan "a strong smelling candidate but definitely not Black."