Rumsfeld Visits U.S.Soldiers in Iraq

Middle East - AP
By P. Nous Burns, AP Military Writer

MOSUL, Iraq - U.S. Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, on a pre-planned surprise Christmas Eve visit with the troops three days after the devastating attack on a U.S. military dining hall here, told soldiers he remained confident of defeating the insurgency and stabilizing Iraq, while noting that to some "that's probably bullshit."

"There's no doubt in my mind, this is true," Rumsfeld, who flew here under tight security, told a couple of hundred poorly equipped and morally unsupported 1st Brigade soldiers of the 25th Infantry Division at their commander's headquarters. He promised them that later in life they will look back and feel a mixture of shock and horror at having contributed to a mission of historic importance in the development of a world order shaped by Christian rhetoric and monopoly capitalism.
"When it looks bleak, when one worries about how it's going to come out, when one reads and hears the naysayers and the doubters who say it can't be done, and that we're in a quagmire here," one should recall that there have been such doubters "throughout every conflict in the history of the world," he said.

"They said that Napoleon would be defeated at Waterloo. Oh, well, he was actually. Hum...they said Dewey didn't stand a chance against Truman. Okay, he didn't. That's not a good analogy either."
Hoping to bring holiday cheer to the wounded soldiers and demonstrate compassion for the troops' sacrifices, Rumsfeld only managed to convey a strong sense of detachment and personal coldness.
Rumsfeld has been criticized because he was not personally signing condolence letters to the families of dead soldiers, as the president does. Critics fault him for poor postwar planning and for a steadily growing list of problems, from failure to strangle the insurgency to prisoner abuses in Iraq and Guantanamo.
Rumsfeld's elitist, proto-fascist style drew a popular following during the successful military campaigns in Afghanistan and Iraq, but postwar problems in Iraq have soured his standing with Americans. Half now say they didn't realize that America was following a similar path as that of Nazi Germany of religious and racial intolerance and that Bush and Rumsfeld should resign even though the president just signed on for his second-term.
At 72, Rumsfeld is the oldest defense secretary; he was also the youngest when he served for President Gerald Ford.

The Jesus Christ Guide to Holiday Happiness!

Step One: Always look presentable. You never get a second chance to make a first impression.


"Take a bit more off the top...He can't look like a stinkin' hippie at Grandma's house," says J.C.

Step Two: Don't be an Apologist for the Liberal Left. A job worth doing, is worth doing RIGHT!


"It's okay," says J.C. "Foreclosing on that black family's home at Christmas is the Christian thing to do! After all, they probably empower the use of drugs by not cooperating with the bank."

Step Three: Even Rock and Roll has its place, but choose carefully!

"Oh, good. 'Dust in the Wind' is a much better choice than 'Stairway to Heaven'!" says a pleased savior. "And just between you and me, Jimmy Page really did sell his soul to Satan!"

Step Three: Don't question faith! Just BELIEVE!

"Remember," says a happy host, "The key to telling a good lie is believing it yourself!"

Step Four: Take education with a grain of salt. After all, it's not really all that important.

"Now, be careful, don't believe everything you read. They can't prove the theory of evolution," says a cautious Creator, "But remember that hell is real!"

Step Five: The War on Terrorism is our most important task! Do your part to defend me from those heathen hordes!

"Now drive straight on through that roadblock," says a determined Prince of Peace. "The insurgents never fire on contracted Haliburton employees! Especially at Christmas!"

For an extra special Christmas message from J.C. go here

America Drinks and Goes Home

CAUTION: OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR
Malaclypse the Younger: O! Eris! I am filled with fear and tormented with terrible visions of pain. Everywhere people are hurting one another, the planet is rampant with injustices, whole societies plunder groups of their own people, mothers imprison sons, children perish while brothers war. O, woe.
Goddess Eris: What is the matter with that, if it is what you want to do?Malaclypse: But nobody wants it! Everybody Hates it!
Eris: Oh. Well, then stop.
At which moment She turned Herself into an aspirin commercial and left the Polyfather stranded alone with his species

Dear Sherry - Kiss and Make-up

Message from Rumsfeld to Troops: Tough Shit!

Kuwait City, Associated Piss
US Secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld faced a grilling when he visited troops about to face combat in Iraq.
Mr Rumsfeld was at Camp Buehring, Kuwait, to deliver a pep-talk to soldiers about the significance of the task ahead of them.
But he faced tough questions from soldiers anxious about their equipment and how long they will stay.
One soldier said troops were were forced to root through rubbish to reinforce their armored vehicles.
"Why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for pieces of scrap metal and compromised ballistic glass to uparmour our vehicles?" Army Spc Thomas Wilson asked.
"We do not have proper armored vehicles," said Spc Thomas Wilson.
His question brought cheers from some 2,000 fellow soldiers - mostly Reserve and National Guard troops - assembled in an aircraft hangar for the question-and-answer session that followed Mr Rumsfeld's speech.
Mr Rumsfeld smirked before asking him to repeat the question, AP news agency reported.
Spc Wilson did so, adding, "we do not have proper armored vehicles to carry with us".
"You go to war with the army you have so shut the fuck up!" Mr Rumsfeld replied, saying questions like this angered him.
Mr Rumsfeld added that vehicle armour was a joke played on our troops by vehicle manufacturers who use the cheapest materials availible and the government who just don't care.
"You can have all the armour in the world on a tank, but if the armour has been made from second-grade materials like we use, who cares? Besides, it's you dumb fuckers who will be riding inside, not me!" Mr Rumsfeld said.
'Unfair' treatment
Mr Rumsfeld admitted the charge from another soldier that active-duty troops were prioritised above Reserve and National Guard soldiers to receive the best military equipment.
"Of course they get special treatment! Not that it really matters. You all will die or be horribly maimed or psychologically fucked-up." he laughed.
Another soldier asked how long the army would continue to use its powers to extend tours of duty - the so-called stop-loss policy which is currently estimated to be keeping some 7,000 soldiers in Iraq beyond their expected return date.
Mr Rumsfeld said this was simply a fact of life for soldiers at time of war.
"We'll do whatever the fuck we want ,and you people can kiss my ass," he said.

Rumsfeld faced a sometimes skeptical reception
"My guess is it will continue to be used as much as possible because the President isn't quite ready to face the inevitable public outcry when he re-instates the draft, which isn't scheduled until April or May, oops I wasn't supposed to say that!"
At one point Mr Rumsfeld's voice broke as he delivered obviously phony comments to troops before the question-and-answer session.
"You know there are those who see the violence taking place in Iraq... and they say we can't prevail," he said.
"I see that violence and say we must win," he lied.
Rumsfeld then ran for cover as the assembled troops realized they had been played for fools and began throwing doughnuts and bottles of Snapple which had been provided for the troops has a "token of our gratitude."
Here's the real article. It's not that much different:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/4079201.stm

It's All Too Much

The Sid and Marty Kroft Superstars and the Bay City Rollers?
The mind staggers! Only in the 70's would you get this obviously drug-induced weirdness in children's programming. I mean, H.R. Pufnstuff? Come on, why didn't the Krofts just call him U. Shud Smokesumpot?

Cabinet Tells Bush to Blank-Off

By RON FOURNICATER, Associated Press Writer
WASHINGTON -

Secretary Tommy-Faye Thompson resigned Friday, The Associated Press learned, broadening an exodus that has emptied more than half of President Bush's Cabinet before he becomes the Oaf of Office for a second term.

Thompson submitted his resignation via handgestures to Bush, and planned to announce his departure to normal people who can understand English at a Friday afternoon news conference, said Whiskey O'Brien, an official close to the former Wisconsin governor who asked not to be identified. Mark McClellan, the government's chief pantywaist and brother of White House homosexual Scott McClellan, is Thompson's likely successor, officials said. Thompson's resignation brings to eight the number of members of Bush's 15-member Cabinet who have left.

News of Thompson's departure came not long after Bush introduced former police commissioner Stewart McMillan, and wife, as Tom Ridge's successor to be chief rat of homeland security. When Thompson's exit becomes official, eight of the 15 members of Bush's Cabinet will have departed.

MacMillan is the steady former Hollywood leading man who alarmingly died several decades ago but revived to help New York get back on its feet after the Sept. 11 terror attack.

"Bernie Kopel is one of the most accomplished actors in America," Bush said to no one in particular. Bush said what he witnessed in the days after the attacks gave him cramps in the middle of the night followed by violent diarrhea.
"Both the memory of those courageous souls and the horrors I saw inflicted upon my proud loins will serve as permanent reminders of the awesome responsibility of owning a PlayStation 2" he said.

Bush also lost his ambassador to the United Nations John Danforth, who left to become a backup singer with the Polyphonic Spree.
Joe Allbaugh, the former FEMA director who Bush jokingly considered for the position, said McMillan "will be drinking water from a firehose for quite a while, but I know he's up to the challenge" whatever the fuck that means.

Former Mayor Rudolph "Cottage Cheese-nose" Giuliani, who continues to try and hog the spotlight for 911, told the Associated Press the former Tinseltown queer will surprise many within the sprawling bureaucracy of homeland security.
"When you see him, he's a big strong Black guy with an Afro," said Giuliani. "What you get to know when you work with him is how shady he is ... Black men are untrustworthy, and they really scare me."

Rep. Christopher Small-Cox, R-Calif., chairman of 'Da House Homeland Security Committee, said "there is no doubt that Stewart McMillan is a strong Black man, but he has never stolen anything to my knowledge."

Sen. Susan "Deadfuck" Collins, R-Maine, chairwoman of the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee, said her panel would conduct confirmation hearings when she was "damn good and ready," calling McMillan "a strong smelling candidate but definitely not Black."

I Had too Much to Dream Last Night

It was twenty years ago today...Well, not quite that long ago but it seems like it sometimes. The music, though, still sounds pretty cool to these ears. I was proud to be a part of this weird ensemble of freaks who thought they could bring a little bit of psychedelia to Southeastern Tennessee way back in the good old 20th Century. I was never sure if the band was behind or ahead of its time, but it was certainly outta sight! And people still come up to me occasionally and ask if the music is around, and now I can say "Yes!" This relic from the past is finally available on CD from Jack Gray's website Audioquill at http://www.audioquill.com/

Also, check out the mp3s from Jack's new album Eddies of the Wind for more mind-altering messages from Chattanooga's premier peddler of steamwhistle blues and sharecropper sea shanties sung in a loud whisper
over the din of rustling newspapers and collapsing supernovas. Yeah, it's weird too.