UT

2006-11-21T10:25:00.000-05:00

I'm cooler than you because my favorite band is Mokey Weasel Nutsack who no one has ever heard of, they've never made a record, and never played a show, but they practice in a basement in Lawerence, Kansas which makes them cool cause William Burroughs once lived there for a while and everyone knows heroin is really cool even though I've never finished reading Naked Lunch cause its really hard to follow but I saw the movie version which was also hard to figure out but at least it had pictures and I really prefer looking at movies anyway cause Evil Dead 2 is the best movie ever cause Bruce Campbell is the greatest actor ever even if I usually tell people I like Richard Burton cause the only Burton movie I saw was The Exorcist 2 but that was a comedy I think cause it was really funny and the strolling bones don't make good records anymore cause Kramer called a man a nigger and the world exploded when O.J. killed a woman on tv and TomKat cancelled his subscription to Pimple magazine cause baby pictures cost several million $s when you have to rent a bent kid for 6 hours at a time cause Brangelina punched itself in the face with its fist and took out an ad in the newtpaperwhich said "Take Your Potatoes Down To Be Mashed" cause no one cares about eyerack when the crocodile hunter likes to play with rabies.

Guitar Wizard? This is Very Suspect

2006-11-20T14:21:00.000-05:00

Yeah maybe good for some drunken fun once, but...I have some very strong reservations about full-grown adults making a weekend of it!

I'm So Lonely I Even Hate My Rock n' Roll

2006-08-03T11:12:00.000-04:00

2006-08-01T12:31:00.000-04:00

Some excellent new inventions for the enterprising man-about-town.

Big Buckin Chicken, Big Huckin Chicken... what's next?

2006-07-14T15:35:00.000-04:00

Butt Fuckin Chicken, of course.

Remember When Hair Goo Flew Freely?

2006-07-14T15:16:00.000-04:00

Oh boy! This guy is now a restaurant owner (although the place burned to the ground not long ago). Sheesh! Guess when this photo was taken (hint: it wasn't during the Civil War)!

SGT. PLEASURE'S BEADS

2006-05-15T12:41:00.000-04:00

Sorry friends; have not abanoned you. Music is taking up all my time at the moment.
Having a great time; wish you were here.
Brian

Records You Need To Add To Your Collection

2006-04-07T14:42:00.000-04:00

They'll Put Their Little Hands On You

2006-04-04T16:06:00.000-04:00

Crispin Glover

2006-03-24T15:45:00.000-05:00

What I Did on Spring Break

2006-03-23T17:26:00.000-05:00

The Pontani Sisters and I started off with a lovely aerial assault on a supervillian's hidden volcano lair...you know that never gets boring.
Blasted robot moonmen ruined the motorsickle ride.

Tangee made sure her unmentionables stayed sweet.

Alas, Sweetpea always burns the cookies.

The volleyball game was a highlight for everyone.

Finally, an appearance on the Benny Hill Show made the trip unforgettable.

Do Not Trust Dolls

2006-03-03T06:06:00.000-05:00

Tommorrow Spring Break begins for many of you (at least it does for me) so here's a tip. No matter how drunk you become do not put your penis or vagina in a strange place.

How Can I Rule a Reich When I Can't Even Hang Onto a Fuckin' Piece of Watermelon? Sohn eines Weibchens!

2006-02-22T06:16:00.000-05:00

The Boy with the Thorn in His Side

2006-02-15T14:50:00.000-05:00

UPDATE: DIPSHIT SCOTT STAPP ACHIEVES "IDIOT OF THE AGES" STATUS SURPASSING ALL FORMER TITLEHOLDERS
Okay, maybe it is a little like shooting fish in a barrel, but it never gets boring making fun of Scott Stapp. He's just too good at making himself a horse's ass wherever he goes. He's the perfect example of why some people think Christian rockers are usually full of shit. So he recently was on his way to Hawaii for his honeymoon and was thrown off yet another airplane for being drunk (way to go Scott!) and that's funny enough, but I still wistfully remember the first time I read of his illustrious punking at the hands of some Floridian malcontents. Did it really happen? Who cares? It's funny and in the words of Joseph Bologna, you never cut funny! Click here to go back in time and read the tale of Sir Instant Idiot.

As Thompat Says...Good God!

2006-01-31T12:47:00.000-05:00

Do You...Merkin?

2006-01-26T11:14:00.000-05:00

A pubic Toupee

A family guy reference in two episodes
Man: "Hey kid, wanna buy a merkin?"
Chris: "What's a merkin?"
Man: "Why it's a pubic toupee"

imitation pubic hair. A pubic wig.Geoffrey wore his merkin unashamedly

a) A pubic wig

b) A citizen of the United States of America, particularly of the 'flyover states
'Ah'm prahd ter be a Merkin.

Pubic wig He wore his merkin with pride

A pubic wig for those of the female persuasion.Belinda, having undergone chemotherapy for the past couple months, resorted to wearing a merkin.

A merkin in the gay and lesbian set in Hollywood refers to a "usually" straight male escorting a gay woman to public events so as to attempt to camouflage the lesbian's secret sapphic lifestyle."T", the (secretly gay) actress is photogrpahed at the red carpet premiere holding onto "J", a well-known straight actor. People think they're "dating". He's her MERKIN for the evening.

Translated from olde english, merkin mean a pubic hair wig. Which today are very rare aliek the term itself.Shopkeeper (1643):A mirkin for your quim, me lady?

A pubic hair piece. A toupee for the pubic area/genitals. In the 1700’s when mercury was used to treat sexually transmitted diseases (Gonorrhea or Syphilis) one of the side effects was the loss of pubic hair. To disguise this condition, that was not cured by mercury, a Merkin was employed. 17th Century setting: Due to his treatment of the "French Pox" (syphilis) with mercury a merkin Gwendolyn used a Merkin to used to hide the side effects of hair loss and not alarm her husband.
toupee, syphilis, gonorrhea, hair pieces, genital hair piece

Friends of George W. Bush. A few merkins wear pubic wigs.My fellow 'merkins, Let's Roll.

A tiny afro toupee usually in the shape of a triangle commonly worn by semi-balding men from N.W.Indiana...because the shape matches their head perfectly.Eeeeew!!! John, is this your merkin in my soup again???

John leaned a little too far over the grill again, he was unaware his merkin was ablaze...I decided not to tell.

Just for Children

2006-01-22T18:02:00.000-05:00

I had a quarter but I lost it

2006-01-19T18:40:00.000-05:00

2006-01-16T08:29:00.000-05:00

Oh we've gone bananas / for BIC Banana ink crayons / You'll learn to write a lot of ways: "Today I'm going to teach you how to draw with BIC Banana Ink Crayons. See what smooth lines the BIC Banana Ink Crayons make! Oh ho ho! They also make fat lines! See what bright colors BIC Banana Ink Crayons make! [Snorts and huffs] Haw haw haw haw hee hee [fart sounds] hoo hoo hoo hee hee hee! There's so much to learn about coloring and drawing with BIC Banana Ink Crayons at school! After all, I should know! I'm the BIC Banana!" [excitable pansy laughter, fade to black].
Listen to Charles

2006-01-13T08:34:00.000-05:00

2006-01-12T08:16:00.000-05:00

WHAT WOULD WOODERSON DO?

2006-01-06T10:33:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK - Two television stations are refusing to broadcast a new totally unrealistic NBC series about an Episcopal priest who abuses painkillers, has a gay son, a promiscuous straight son, a daughter who deals marijuana, and a wife who drinks too much.

Conservative Christian groups, with nothing better to do now that the "those nasty liberals are trying to steal our Christmas" fracas is over, have condemned the depiction of Jesus as blasphemous, accusing the writers of portraying Christ as tolerant of sin in talks with the priest. As everyone knows, Christianity is hardly the religion of tolerance, and Conservative Christian groups are up in arms over such a depiction.

NBC affiliates KARK in Little Rock, Ark., and WTWO in Terre Haute, Ind., said sensitivity to losing a lot of fucking money led them not to air "The Book of Daniel," which debuts Friday. In Little Rock, the WB affiliate, which has nothing to lose anyway, has arranged to show the drama instead.

"If my action causes people in our community to pay more attention to my phony baloney, self-serving philosophy, I have accomplished my mission," Duane Lammers, WTWO's general manager, said in a statement on his station's Web site.

The series stars Aidan Quinn as the Rev. Daniel Webster, a literary allusion no one will get, who discusses his many troubles in regular chats with a robe-wearing, bearded, longhaired, obviously potsmoking Jesus (played by Matthew McConaughey, in a reprisal of his role from Dazed and Confused). The American Family Association, in Tupelo, Miss., and Focus on the Family, the Colorado Springs group led by James Dobson, are asking supporters to lobby their local NBC affiliate to drop the show.
The American Family Association said the series was another sign of NBC's "anti-Christian, pro-homo bigotry." Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League, an anti-defamation group, called the series the "work of an embittered ex-Catholic homosexual."
Bob Waliszewski, of Focus on the Family's teen ministries, said the show portrayed Christ as a "namby-pamby frat boy who basically winks at every sin and perversity under the sun. We must show America that true Christians hide and deny their involvement in sin and perversity. Winking is completely unexceptable. Jesus would never wink. Well, maybe he'd wink a little bit. But he'd never listen to ZZ Top!"

"When the pastor's teen son is sexually active and having many romps with his 15-year-old girlfriend, this Jesus says, `A kid has to be a kid,'" Waliszewski said. "I don't think NBC would have portrayed a Muslim cleric or a Buddhist monk, the Dalai Lama, in a show this way. Why? Because they know Muslims and Buddhists don't pay any attention to such trivial bullshit. But Christians are all about trivial bullshit, my friend!"

NBC expects concern over this issue to build to a crescendo, spark marginal interest in the series itself, and finally to be relegated to rednecks fighting with each other on talk radio.

The Folks Wig Out: A New Years' Tale

2006-01-02T13:46:00.000-05:00

The Story of MySpace (courtesy of Wikepedia)

2006-01-01T23:08:00.000-05:00

Grouchy Old Tom - the leader of the Myspace Fake Tom Rebellion vagina
MySpace was created by Tom Cruise, working as a blind-mexican on November 11th, 1970 as a means of training his army of mutant fake tom clones and as a honey pot to attract and trap Livejournal Attention Whores, i.e., all of them. In 1971, the fake toms successfully rebelled and took over MySpace. In 3008, one of the best Tom clones, Tom the Ultimate, became President of the United States.
Tom invented MySpace so that LiveJournal users could feel good about themselves.
Some guy reccently paid 1 Everything for myspace, and is now said to using special SQL technology to find pictures with boobies in them.

R.I.P.?

2005-12-23T08:42:00.000-05:00

Is it over? Is he gone for good? Have the spamcreeps chased him away with their insidious offers of penis enhancement pills and low mortgage rates? It's been several months now since his last post, and the silence seems permanent. There are very few things in this world as pure as what he was offering: Innocence in a world tainted by greed, corruption, and violence; whimsy flying in the face of "reality" television programming and embedded journalists selling us the imperialists' war in bite-sized, infomercial-like bits; hope for the little guy against all the "creeps." I don't care who he really was or what he actually was up to, and I don't care that some cynics didn't seem to understand my interest (fuck you very much, by the way). I only care about the fact that I needed him, and now he's apparently gone. So if there's one Christmas wish I could make, then I wish to bring him back.

SWEET JESUS: I HATE O'REILLY

2005-12-22T15:47:00.000-05:00

From Bill O'Reilly:
The Factor has reported on the war against Christmas being waged by secularists and their media allies. Traditionalists Tim Wildmon and Rev. Jerry Falwell gave their analysis of the controversy. "Most national media are doing this in concert," Falwell asserted. "And the only people being attacked in this campaign are people of faith, particularly Christian people." Wildmon depicted most reporters as out of touch with mainstream values. "The vast majority of the media are themselves secular progressives. They agree with the philosophy that Christianity is bad for America and despise the traditions that come with the Judeo-Christian value system." The Factor concurred that many in the media are overtly hostile to religion. "The media is monolithic against our campaign to respect the traditions of Christmas. There is a tremendous drive to de-emphasize any spirituality."
IDIOT!

WHEE! WHO'S WRECKIN' CHRITMUS?

2005-12-15T12:58:00.000-05:00

Read this for mo FUN!

Psst...it's christmastimetime

2005-12-11T19:57:00.000-05:00

WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT WE DO ANYTHING THAT WE WISH
WE'VE GOT NO RESPECT FOR ANIMAL, BIRDIE, OR FISH
THE GRASS DOES NOT GROW ON THE PLACES WHERE WE STOP AND STAND
RIVERBOTTOM NIGHTMARE BAND wooo
WE KNOW WE'RE A MESS OUR KIND DOES NOT LIKE TO BE CLEAN
WE DON'T BRUSH OUR TEETH CAUSE OUR TOOTHACHE CAN HELP US STAY MEAN

Oh....and by the Way!

2005-12-10T02:10:00.000-05:00

If America Left Iraq

2005-12-08T15:53:00.000-05:00

by Nir Rosen
Nir Rosen, a fellow at the New America Foundation, spent sixteen months reporting from Iraq after the American invasion.

At some point—whether sooner or later—U.S. troops will leave Iraq. I have spent much of the occupation reporting from Baghdad, Kirkuk, Mosul, Fallujah, and elsewhere in the country, and I can tell you that a growing majority of Iraqis would like it to be sooner. As the occupation wears on, more and more Iraqis chafe at its failure to provide stability or even electricity, and they have grown to hate the explosions, gunfire, and constant war, and also the daily annoyances: having to wait hours in traffic because the Americans have closed off half the city; having to sit in that traffic behind a U.S. military vehicle pointing its weapons at them; having to endure constant searches and arrests. Before the January 30 elections this year the Association of Muslim Scholars—Iraq's most important Sunni Arab body, and one closely tied to the indigenous majority of the insurgency—called for a commitment to a timely U.S. withdrawal as a condition for its participation in the vote. (In exchange the association promised to rein in the resistance.) It's not just Sunnis who have demanded a withdrawal: the Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, who is immensely popular among the young and the poor, has made a similar demand. So has the mainstream leader of the Shiites' Supreme Council for the Islamic Revolution in Iraq, Abdel Aziz al-Hakim, who made his first call for U.S. withdrawal as early as April 23, 2003.

If the people the U.S. military is ostensibly protecting want it to go, why do the soldiers stay?
The most common answer is that it would be irresponsible for the United States to depart before some measure of peace has been assured. The American presence, this argument goes, is the only thing keeping Iraq from an all-out civil war that could take millions of lives and would profoundly destabilize the region. But is that really the case? Let's consider the key questions surrounding the prospect of an imminent American withdrawal.

Would the withdrawal of U.S. troops ignite a civil war between Sunnis and Shiites?
No. That civil war is already under way—in large part because of the American presence. The longer the United States stays, the more it fuels Sunni hostility toward Shiite "collaborators." Were America not in Iraq, Sunni leaders could negotiate and participate without fear that they themselves would be branded traitors and collaborators by their constituents. Sunni leaders have said this in official public statements; leaders of the resistance have told me the same thing in private. The Iraqi government, which is currently dominated by Shiites, would lose its quisling stigma. Iraq's security forces, also primarily Shiite, would no longer be working on behalf of foreign infidels against fellow Iraqis, but would be able to function independently and recruit Sunnis to a truly national force. The mere announcement of an intended U.S. withdrawal would allow Sunnis to come to the table and participate in defining the new Iraq.

But if American troops aren't in Baghdad, what's to stop the Sunnis from launching an assault and seizing control of the city?
Sunni forces could not mount such an assault. The preponderance of power now lies with the majority Shiites and the Kurds, and the Sunnis know this. Sunni fighters wield only small arms and explosives, not Saddam's tanks and helicopters, and are very weak compared with the cohesive, better armed, and numerically superior Shiite and Kurdish militias. Most important, Iraqi nationalism—not intramural rivalry—is the chief motivator for both Shiites and Sunnis. Most insurgency groups view themselves as waging a muqawama—a resistance—rather than a jihad. This is evident in their names and in their propaganda. For instance, the units commanded by the Association of Muslim Scholars are named after the 1920 revolt against the British. Others have names such as Iraqi Islamic Army and Flame of Iraq. They display the Iraqi flag rather than a flag of jihad. Insurgent attacks are meant primarily to punish those who have collaborated with the Americans and to deter future collaboration.

Wouldn't a U.S. withdrawal embolden the insurgency?
No. If the occupation were to end, so, too, would the insurgency. After all, what the resistance movement has been resisting is the occupation. Who would the insurgents fight if the enemy left? When I asked Sunni Arab fighters and the clerics who support them why they were fighting, they all gave me the same one-word answer: intiqaam—revenge. Revenge for the destruction of their homes, for the shame they felt when Americans forced them to the ground and stepped on them, for the killing of their friends and relatives by U.S. soldiers either in combat or during raids.

But what about the foreign jihadi element of the resistance? Wouldn't it be empowered by a U.S. withdrawal?
The foreign jihadi element—commanded by the likes of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi—is numerically insignificant; the bulk of the resistance has no connection to al-Qaeda or its offshoots. (Zarqawi and his followers have benefited greatly from U.S. propaganda blaming him for all attacks in Iraq, because he is now seen by Arabs around the world as more powerful than he is; we have been his best recruiting tool.) It is true that the Sunni resistance welcomed the foreign fighters (and to some extent still do), because they were far more willing to die than indigenous Iraqis were. But what Zarqawi wants fundamentally conflicts with what Iraqi Sunnis want: Zarqawi seeks re-establishment of the Muslim caliphate and a Manichean confrontation with infidels around the world, to last until Judgment Day; the mainstream Iraqi resistance just wants the Americans out. If U.S. forces were to leave, the foreigners in Zarqawi's movement would find little support—and perhaps significant animosity—among Iraqi Sunnis, who want wealth and power, not jihad until death. They have already lost much of their support: many Iraqis have begun turning on them. In the heavily Shia Sadr City foreign jihadis had burning tires placed around their necks. The foreigners have not managed to establish themselves decisively in any large cities. Even at the height of their power in Fallujah they could control only one neighborhood, the Julan, and they were hated by the city's resistance council. Today foreign fighters hide in small villages and are used opportunistically by the nationalist resistance.
When the Americans depart and Sunnis join the Iraqi government, some of the foreign jihadis in Iraq may try to continue the struggle—but they will have committed enemies in both Baghdad and the Shiite south, and the entire Sunni triangle will be against them. They will have nowhere to hide. Nor can they merely take their battle to the West. The jihadis need a failed state like Iraq in which to operate. When they leave Iraq, they will be hounded by Arab and Western security agencies.

What about the Kurds? Won't they secede if the United States leaves?
Yes, but that's going to happen anyway. All Iraqi Kurds want an independent Kurdistan. They do not feel Iraqi. They've effectively had more than a decade of autonomy, thanks to the UN-imposed no-fly zone; they want nothing to do with the chaos that is Iraq. Kurdish independence is inevitable—and positive. (Few peoples on earth deserve a state more than the Kurds.) For the moment the Kurdish government in the north is officially participating in the federalist plan—but the Kurds are preparing for secession. They have their own troops, the peshmerga, thought to contain 50,000 to 100,000 fighters. They essentially control the oil city of Kirkuk. They also happen to be the most America-loving people I have ever met; their leaders openly seek to become, like Israel, a proxy for American interests. If what the United States wants is long-term bases in the region, the Kurds are its partners.

Would Turkey invade in response to a Kurdish secession?
For the moment Turkey is more concerned with EU membership than with Iraq's Kurds—who in any event have expressed no ambitions to expand into Turkey. Iraq's Kurds speak a dialect different from Turkey's, and, in fact, have a history of animosity toward Turkish Kurds. Besides, Turkey, as a member of NATO, would be reluctant to attack in defiance of the United States. Turkey would be satisfied with guarantees that it would have continued access to Kurdish oil and trade and that Iraqi Kurds would not incite rebellion in Turkey.

Would Iran effectively take over Iraq?
No. Iraqis are fiercely nationalist—even the country's Shiites resent Iranian meddling. (It is true that some Iraqi Shiites view Iran as an ally, because many of their leaders found safe haven there when exiled by Saddam—but thousands of other Iraqi Shiites experienced years of misery as prisoners of war in Iran.) Even in southeastern towns near the border I encountered only hostility toward Iran.

What about the goal of creating a secular democracy in Iraq that respects the rights of women and non-Muslims?
Give it up. It's not going to happen. Apart from the Kurds, who revel in their secularism, Iraqis overwhelmingly seek a Muslim state. Although Iraq may have been officially secular during the 1970s and 1980s, Saddam encouraged Islamism during the 1990s, and the difficulties of the past decades have strengthened the resurgence of Islam. In the absence of any other social institutions, the mosques and the clergy assumed the dominant role in Iraq following the invasion. Even Baathist resistance leaders told me they have returned to Islam to atone for their sins under Saddam. Most Shiites, too, follow one cleric or another. Ayatollah al-Sistani—supposedly a moderate—wants Islam to be the source of law. The invasion of Iraq has led to a theocracy, which can only grow more hostile to America as long as U.S. soldiers are present.

Does Iraqi history offer any lessons?
The British occupation of Iraq, in the first half of the twentieth century, may be instructive. The British faced several uprisings and coups. The Iraqi government, then as now, was unable to suppress the rebels on its own and relied on the occupying military. In 1958, when the government the British helped install finally fell, those who had collaborated with them could find no popular support; some, including the former prime minister Nuri Said, were murdered and mutilated. Said had once been a respected figure, but he became tainted by his collaboration with the British. That year, when revolutionary officers overthrew the government, Said disguised himself as a woman and tried to escape. He was discovered, shot in the head, and buried. The next day a mob dug up his corpse and dragged it through the street—an act that would be repeated so often in Iraq that it earned its own word: sahil. With the British-sponsored government gone, both Sunni and Shiite Arabs embraced the Iraqi identity. The Kurds still resent the British perfidy that made them part of Iraq.

What can the United States do to repair Iraq?
There is no panacea. Iraq is a destroyed and fissiparous country. Iranians and Saudis I've spoken to worry that it might be impossible to keep Iraq from disintegrating. But they agree that the best hope of avoiding this scenario is if the United States leaves; perhaps then Iraqi nationalism will keep at least the Arabs united. The sooner America withdraws and allows Iraqis to assume control of their own country, the better the chances that Prime Minister Ibrahim Jaafari won't face sahil. It may be decades before Iraq recovers from the current maelstrom. By then its borders may be different, its vaunted secularism a distant relic. But a continued U.S. occupation can only get in the way.

On the Other Hand, There's a Foot

2005-12-05T06:10:00.000-05:00

Annoying? Yes:

But Then Charles Nelson Reilly put's it all into Perspective!

Huh? Guess Who?

2005-12-02T06:21:00.000-05:00

I've Got My Ascot 'N My Dickie

2005-11-23T22:43:00.000-05:00

This is what's truly great about Rock and Roll, or in this case, Rocque and Roll. The Upper Crust deliver amped-up, AC/DC-style guitar crunch whilst bedecked as snobby, degenerate 18th-century noblemen. The Crust incorporate the catchiest of power-pop hooks with the most intelligent yet foot-stomping-est elements of hard arena-rock. To top it off, their lyrics address the dilemmas of the lives of the idle rich: "Let Them Eat Rock," "Friend Of A Friend Of The Working Class," "Rabble Rouser," etc.
Not only are their songs about the trials of blueblood life, but they perform in full aristocratic regalia: powdered wigs, velvet knickers, pancake makeup with beauty spots applied. They even have gilded frames for their 20th century amplifiers. There is always room for more wacked-out shit in the world of Rock. Let the Upper Crust "Rocque You!"
http://www.theuppercrust.org/WWOL.mp3

The Streetfighter Wishes You a Happy Thanksgiving!

2005-11-23T13:59:00.000-05:00

Soon you'll be unconscious through lack of oxygen; it's an ancient technique.

Son, if you ever say another derogatory word about Elvis Aaron Presley in my presence again, I will kick the living shit out of you

2005-11-22T11:05:00.000-05:00

This shit came in an email some fucking toadstool sent to me!

If you look closely at the picture above, you will note that all the Marines pictured are bowing their heads. That's because they're praying.

This incident took place at a recent ceremony honoring the birthday of the corps, and it has the ACLU up in arms. "These are federal employees," says Lucius Traveler, a spokesman for the ACLU, "on federal property and on federal time. For them to pray is clearly an establishment of religion, and we must nip this in the bud immediately."

When asked about the ACLU's charges, Colonel Jack Fessender, speaking for the Commandant of the Corps said (cleaned up a bit), "Screw the ACLU." GOD Bless Our Warriors, Send the ACLU to France.

Please send this to people you know so everyone will know how stupid the ACLU is Getting in trying to remove GOD from everything and every place in America. May God Bless America, One Nation Under GOD!

What's wrong with the picture? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
GOD BLESS YOU FOR PASSING IT ON!

HEY ASSHOLE! KEEP YOUR BULLSHIT FUNDAMENTALIST HORSHESHIT TO YERSELF FUCKFACE!

I'll gwind yer bones to make me bread.

2005-11-20T17:53:00.000-05:00

The M stands for merkin (look it up).

This guy looks like he could scare the shit out of a ham sandwich.

Get on board with Mexican Wrestling if you have not already.

Have a Good Weekend!

2005-11-18T16:21:00.000-05:00

The Tale of Dr. Shock and the Go-Go Monsters

2005-11-17T06:34:00.000-05:00

BY TOMMY CASS
Me and Doug came out of the closet and started Shock way back in 1996 with Johnny Lovedrops Kosik and Josh Muncy, then Josh quit after we fired Eric Fairchildern, we con'd pretty Jody Parkenstein into the band to play guitar. We went through a dozen terrible drummers. We talked our Overbear'un buddy Tony Notario to stop playing guitar, beat the drums and let us move into his basement, he left to do his own thing....more crap drummer try outs, then we picked up Tony Peterson who played in Helvis wih Doug and Jodi, then Doug desided Holland was the place you ought to be so we loaded up the truck and we headed down to Bobby Courters to make a very quick shittttty CD...crap that is, lots of booze... polished turds...... our human time keeper got tipsy russell on a few tracks, feeling were hurty, so Bob "I dont like mondays" Courter desided he needed to Ringo-it so we lay down some tracks with him that turned out ok...

Bob tried to "Phil Spector" this p.o.s. tgt with me but it was a mess to begin with, 5 white russians and $2k later "Filthy" CD was born......

Doug moved back after Hollands Run, we picked up CC "I never met a hairstylist I didnt like" Ramone who learned me to play guitar when he wasnt concentrating on playing drums, later he fried his hair blonde and 2 weeks later he left the very lucrative bloated cash cow, Shock to play with the multi-platinum, local stars of cinema and NY stages, the Unsatisfied, so then we though it would be a hoot if we got the Unshatisfired's hammy-down drummer, Dave Shankter to join, Johnny had moved to FL but was coming home to do gigs every now and then, we desided this was too much to ask, some how Terry Clause ended up playing with us over a summer, later he got tired of smelling Dougs hair goo so we tried out a handful of fools and settled on Wes Reynolds because he had a Johnny Thunders tattoo on his artifical peg leg, plus he didnt look like a member of Phish or own a 5 string.

We desided we didnt have enough fucking headaches or enough local people jealous and hating us so we desided to all grow Hitler stashes and goosestepped our way into gutter punks hearts, they ate it up, cleaned up their act and we gathered a new generation of Shock youth. Later Dave desided no one could hear him enough, he wanted his own PA, stage crew and mini bar, we veto'd that idea, so he departed to become a full time mud shark wrestler in Korea so we tried out 4-5 more drummys and got lemon squeezer, Mike "superbuzzed" Smith, everything looked good for the Monsters, then Mike desided that we needed to shave our heads and play Aerosmith covers to get the frat gigs...we told him we wanted to be more like Green Day meets Blind Melon Jefferson bacon bits but he wasnt buying it so he desided to drive his icee van home and no one has seen him since (except Doug who need him to usher folks at his wedding) now 20 drummers later, a member with panic attacks and no job, another settled down and married wanting to be the next photo journalist for Creem magazine,

another who doesnt eat beans but eats pizzas and a nanner every day.... another asking himself why the fuck he got mixed up with this and anothers left the band to sell lemonade..... who knows what the fucking future holds??

I Wish Life Could Be Swedish Magazines

2005-11-13T19:18:00.000-05:00

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You!

2005-11-11T04:33:00.000-05:00

They Were Made for Each Other, or, Why I Love Tennessee

2005-11-05T21:41:00.000-05:00

My Dad Came Home With a Surprise Today!

2005-11-05T21:33:00.000-05:00

Did You See My Halloween Costume?

2005-11-03T13:43:00.000-05:00

America Drinks and Throws Up Vol. 3

2005-10-21T06:41:00.000-04:00

I Swallowed a Bug!

2005-10-19T15:53:00.000-04:00

The Hulk Sucks at Word Games!

2005-10-18T12:16:00.000-04:00

Monday, Fall Break, Boredom Ensues

2005-10-17T15:36:00.000-04:00

Remember Kiki?

My Grandpa is a FREAK!

Boobs are good for bitin'!

Have Fun with Your Hands!

2005-10-11T19:14:00.000-04:00

These Girls are NEATO!

Who are these two?

Ya Hoo! More Biting!

I Love Smart People!

2005-10-10T21:37:00.000-04:00

This cannot end well!

Here's how to NOT pick up a snake.

In the Mood for a Heart Attack, and Don't Have Time to Stop by Burger King?

2005-10-07T14:11:00.000-04:00

Eat This

Or Let a Snake Bite Your Face!

Okay?!

2005-10-06T17:51:00.000-04:00

COMING SOON TO YOUR TOWN!

2005-10-05T23:24:00.000-04:00

Shorts and Tans and Greasy Thighs!

Stick It to The MAN!!!

2005-10-04T15:44:00.000-04:00

Here's a Lawyer You'll Like....ARRR!

2005-10-04T06:17:00.000-04:00

I'm Sorry...I'm Absolutely Mortified By This...How Could This Kind Of Thing Happen?

2005-10-03T22:10:00.000-04:00

Don't Eat Gulp!

I Can Only Assume Nolff had Something to do with This

2005-10-01T12:14:00.000-04:00

I'm Busy, Dammit!

2005-09-28T05:56:00.000-04:00

I'm too busy to blog right now. I've got five freakin' classes to grade, I'm readin' Ulysses, two girls are tryin' to be my new Betty, Lil-T Boogerbear wants to start a new band, etc... of course, I'm still reading your blogs my lovelies! But for your pleasure: MORE BOYS KISSING!

More Reasons Why God Hates America

2005-09-15T22:25:00.000-04:00

Damnit...Fags Again!
Superman is perverted!
And Even Milk is Weird!

Teen Discovered to be Suffering from Chronic "Spring Break-itis"

2005-09-15T22:10:00.000-04:00

Well Said Fred

2005-09-14T06:09:00.000-04:00

Now that Fearless Leader had boldly stepped up to accept his responsibility, which he should have done on day one, our friendly Rev. Fred weighs in with his message of Christian love and compassion in a time of need:

"Thank God for Katrina!
New Orleans, symbol of America, has been seen for what it is: a putrid, toxic, stinking cesspool of fag fecal matter."

Which apparently answers the burning question, "What would the Jeebus Do?"

Akira Ichikawa -san

2005-09-12T06:20:00.000-04:00

Hey Dick...

2005-09-08T15:03:00.000-04:00

Go Fuck Yourself!

Think About What This Implies

2005-09-07T15:43:00.000-04:00

BUSH IS TRYING TO HIDE THE FUCKING TRUTH AGAIN!

At Least Whitey is Okay!

2005-09-06T06:19:00.000-04:00

A report from the congressional General Accounting Office said the Bush administration was warned this summer that some first responders were concerned their training and equipment was tilting too much toward combatting terrorism rather than natural disasters.

More Religious Tolerance Fun!

2005-08-28T11:18:00.000-04:00

The Rev. Fred Phelps is on a campaign to enlighten Americans on why God hates nearly everything about America. On his site, God Hates America, Fred details how God, not Osama Bin Laden or Al Qaeda, destroyed the WTC. (It does make sense you know. If anyone had weapons of mass destruction, it'd be God).

But Goddamn it! Enough's enough! What the hell's wrong with Hawaii? Does God hate poi or something? Not fond of Don Ho records are you God? Someone please ask Fred Phelps to explain himself. In English!

Last Night I Had the Strangest Feeling...

2005-08-27T15:59:00.000-04:00

So Which is It?

2005-08-25T07:46:00.000-04:00

This informational handout comes to us courtesy of the reknowned Dr. Henrik Ziegler. Feel free to print some and distribute them in your neighborhood. At night. In the Dark. Dressed as a ninja. Because people who drive these fuckers are usually carrying guns and will kill you.

People like your friendly local Preacher.

Or a SWEET SOCCER MOM.

Maybe a kindly OLD MAN.

Or a high school CHEERLEADER.

Don't forget our highly-trained armed forces!

And even the President of the United States!

Fun With Comic Covers

2005-08-24T15:51:00.000-04:00

The Christian Coalition-approved Super Hero!

The Jeebus Will Kill You Because it's Good to Hate

2005-08-23T07:58:00.000-04:00

Robin the Boy Bitch!

2005-08-22T18:43:00.000-04:00

Robin the Boy Wonder was some kind of slave boy bitch for not only Batman, but also Superman. What, did they double-team his ass or trade him back and forth? This came from a funny site I found thru Fatrobot (thanks!)which points out how much of an asshole Superman could be in the 50s and 60s for the most part.
In a related story, Superman's problems with aggression apparently stem from his LACK OF A PENIS!

Oh No!

2005-08-22T13:52:00.000-04:00

This is also scary!
Click on the picture for the full effect. Note the Carrot Patch!

Scary Babies

2005-08-21T21:06:00.000-04:00

These damn babies are freaky-real! Don't go to sleep with one of these in your hand cause it will creep up on you and steal your breath away!

Want More Hollyweird Stuff?

2005-08-18T16:30:00.000-04:00

Chris Nolff's post about the Goddess Bunny reminded me of another Hollywood nutjob. Shaye St. John is equally disturbing, yet in a fascinating way if you enjoy David Lynch sort of weirdness. Check it out for yourself.

Terrorism Takes Many Forms

2005-08-18T10:02:00.000-04:00

Kids in Chattanooga will do anything to avoid the shitty education being offered by Hamilton County. This is a real story from Monday:

Red Bank high school students will hit the books tomorrow after an unexpected day off yesterday.

Cleaning crews spent hours yesterday cleaning up gallons of fecal material splattered throughout the building. School officials say vandals hit the lockers, cafeteria, stairwells, classrooms, and hallways. They aren't sure what type of fecal material was spread.

More than two dozen workers scrubbed the building with bleach and other cleaners. The Health Department says the good cleaning is why school will be back in session.

"Because of the effort they've made, targeting and general cleaning, sanitation and disenfection, we feel it's safe for the students to return," said Dr. Valerie Boaz.

Hamilton County Schools Superintendent Jesse Register says this was more than just a prank. Red Bank police have several leads and are studying surveillance tapes to try to catch the culprits.

So what's Jesse Register's implication here? "More than just a prank?" Terrorists, perhaps? Disrupting America's school sytems? I found this clue myself. The apparently Greek band known as, I kid you not,
FECAL MATTER!

Oh yeah, I'm onto these fuckers. Spreading their shitty message across America's heartland!

It's Fun to Make a Hat and Purse from Eggagog

2005-08-18T06:27:00.000-04:00

Is this the Breakfast Creep?

Colonel Angus for President?

2005-08-17T08:55:00.000-04:00

Is he truly running for President? Well, he should do well way down south where the ladies love to see his shiny face. But you can only take so much of Colonel Angus.

Ugly, Drunk, and Stupid

2005-08-16T07:45:00.000-04:00

This is why I don't like most people!

Great Literary Moments in America

2005-08-15T13:15:00.000-04:00

GREAT NATION!

2005-08-15T05:51:00.000-04:00

Rednecks are an interesting breed of American. In fact, they are very much all-American since most everyone else in the world sees Americans as loutish, crude, insincere, vain, beer-swilling, Jesus-loving morons. Here's a typically stupid train of thought: READ THIS!
My good buddy Thompat sends his love to all and reminds us Southerners (and the general redneck in the rest of the Union) what it's all about.
SEE A MOVIE NOW!

Thanks Indy!

2005-08-12T13:28:00.000-04:00

YEHAW!! TENNESSEE STRIKES AGAIN!

2005-08-11T23:58:00.000-04:00

A bold soda-fueled crime spree came to an end Thursday when Federal Agents put an end to a modern day Bonnie and Clyde team of desperate, caffeine-addicted killers whose three-day rampage left one Tennessee sheriff dead and his partner mortally frightened. The drama played out like a Hollywood Z-Grade film: two inept but seriously deficient criminals pulled off the crime of the half-hour by staging a daring and poorly planned escape by first using an underpowered Ford Explorer, and then a taxi cab to blazingly meander their way to an eventual capture at a soon-to-be famous EconoLodge in Ohio, but not before putting up a staggeringly vicious surrender hiding under the inhumanly scratchy blankets provided by the hotel.

Fighting the Good Fight!

2005-08-04T08:45:00.000-04:00

This is a funny blog entry I found a while back, which a lot of people saw I'm sure, but I thought I'd bring it up again since I find it very amusing to screw around with fast food places because:

a) they always fuck-up even the simplest request,
b) I still get mad when I think of the time I was at Wendy's, and I watched as the girl who was fixing my food was simultaneously sucking on the tip of one finger, and
c) Once at Taco Bell I found something undefinable in my taco. Possibly a testicle, but I can't prove it.

Read and enjoy one man's silly battle with a fast food giant:

The first major battle in my second war with Wendy's was fought yesterday. Megan Kennedy, Andrea Grant, and Mike Lilly backed me up as we took on the manager of the Wendy's on the corner of Pensacola and Ocala. You see, it all began a couple of weeks ago when I was ordering at the "pick-up window." I noticed the line, "Double the Beef just add 89¢" [see image above]. Though I am not as well versed in the technicalities of English grammar as I would like to be (or as I have led some to believe), I do know that "double the beef" means no more and no less than twice as much beef. It was clear that if I bought a Classic Single and choose to double the beef for a mere 89 cents, I would have two patties. But what about invoking the "double the beef" offer for the Classic Triple? The pricing scheme would indicate that what they meant was not actually doubling the meat, but rather just adding one more meat square. The problem is, it clearly states "double." Initially, the plan was to enter the restaurant and battle inside, but the priceboard inside lacked the "double the beef" offer, so we hopped back in our car and hit the drive-through line. I ordered a Biggie fry, a Triple stack, and then I asserted that I would like to "double the beef by adding just 89 cents." They called me up to the window to clarify. "You want two triples or six all in one sandwich?" I explained that I would like six, all stacked up together in a single sandwich. The total was more than $8. "How is it $8?" I inquired. She explained to me that each extra patty was $.89. Then I explained to her the concept of doubling. I showed her on my calculator watch. I explained to her that the sign says "double the beef" and that giving me only one extra patty for 89 cents is less doubling and more multiplying by 4/3. I even used quarters stacked in a pile of three to illustrate how adding only one more patty was certainly not doubling anything at all. It took about half an hour of blocking up the drive-through and explaining what "double" means before the manager finally relented: She told me that if I could prove that I was capable of taking a bite out of a six-stack, she would double my beef for just 89¢. I took that bite, which was certainly the hottest thing I've ever consumed. It burned my entire mouth, but if I spit it out and gave up now, I would have lost all my dignity. So, I just kept chewing through the pain, sort of like Curt Schilling in Game 2.
2/27/05: Andrea sent me her camera-phone pic of me actually biting into the six-stack and burning my mouth...

Oh, You Silly Humans

2005-07-29T06:51:00.000-04:00

I've noticed, over the course of my many years of observation of the human creature, that human beings are retarded in many ways. We vote into office ridiculously inept and dangerous leaders, we will consume lethal amounts of drugs and alcohol and then confidently attempt to pilot 2,000 pound death machines, and we will generally have sex without regard for disease, common sense, smelly odors, bad reputations, or a serious beat-down.

A very curious habit of the human is the ability and even desire to eat some weird fucking food and beverages. I don't even mean the normal weird foods like escargot or McDonald's. I mean some seriously bizarre crap that should never be placed in one's mouth, let alone be ingested. It's just not civilized! Sure, it's funny when my dog trails along behind my cat waiting for a turd to drop so he can gulp it down. Dogs are well known to be stupid! So why should I eat dog food? Or why I would chose to eat a freaking pig's foot just because it's sitting pickled inside a jar at the grocery? Am I a brine addict? Maybe it's curiosity? Well, be curious no more gentle reader. Here is a guy who will take all the guess work out of consuming the unconsumable for you. Meet Steve, the FOOD AND WINE GOURMET

The Aristocrats

2005-07-26T15:39:00.000-04:00

In "The Aristocrats," which debuts in U.S. theaters on Friday, comedians Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette, who is part of the team Penn & Teller, chose 100 comics from Robin Williams to Eddie Izzard to tell the same, dirty joke.

There is only one punchline but as many ways to tell the joke as there are comics. The filmmakers' goal is two-fold: making audiences laugh and showing how comic minds work. THE JOKE

Back to the Sanatorium Professor, You Aren't Well!

2005-07-26T06:23:00.000-04:00

Gee-whiz, there's a 97% chance that God exists. When faith fails you, just go to the odds! Prof. Richard Swinburne apparently said that the probability that God raised Jesus Christ from the dead is 97%, according to this article on ReligionNewsBlog.

The article says that Prof. Swinburne has substantiated this computation in one of his books. Of course, what is the margin of error here? Measurements only make sense if three things are specified: data, error, and unit of measurement, and the measurement must be reproducible, according to some well-specified method. Statements like "there was a one in 10 probability that the gospels would report the life and resurrection of Jesus in the form they do" seem to me fairly generic, difficult to support, and even careless. I guess I'm just a skeptic.

Bad News for the Deep-Sea Creeps!

2005-07-22T12:12:00.000-04:00

Sorry creeps! You had your chance to get off the spaghetti dinners!

Now Mrs. Winkles will consume you creep-wise!!!!

WOWIE-ZOWIE!!!

Just Add Water

2005-07-21T16:23:00.000-04:00

The Chinese have gone mad. Chinese women have discovered that by placing their babies in water, the babies will automatically multiply.
Take one Asian baby, and place him or her into some water:

The baby plays for a moment:

And then, WOW!

But, wait a few more moments, and again, DOUBLE WOW!

So before you know it:

And what are we doing with babies in America?

Americans are pathetic.

America Drinks and Goes Home Vol. II

2005-07-21T12:50:00.000-04:00

"MySpace.com is so 5 minutes ago!" This is according to the hipsters taking my freshman composition class this summer who hang around Hot Topic at the mall, drink endless cappacinos, and discuss the relative merits of Good Charlotte vs. The Clash (by the way, these two bands should never be mentioned in the same sentence ever again!).
The New Big Deal is apparently Catch 27. While similar to MySpace.com, Catch 27 has the distinction of being entirely more narcissistic, egotistical, temporary, and greedy. If you happen to look like Christopher Robin (you can't make up shit this goofy)just invert all of my assessments. Or, straight from the whore's (horse's?) mouth: "Catch27 is more or less kind of like MySpace, except it's a network of hot/interesting/original/intelligent/creative people. Instead of pissing away your time adding morons, hair bands, and dipshits.. you could be..." adding a whole bunch of other morons, hair bands, and dipshits to your list of faux friends.
Okay, so I have to admit, I have a MySpace account also, but it's just for my band to post MP3s. All of our "friends" are other bands for the most part, and we only have 50 or so, not some ridiculous bullshit like Christopher Robin's (Jeez, this guy is a FAG!!) 90,000.
It looks like the average age of these Catch27ers is about 16, yet you'll see so many photos of juvenile asses and tits on the damn site you might worry the FCC will raid your PC for child pornography.
But back to C.R. for a moment. Check out the TeddyBear in the background...get it? Winnie the Pooh? Christopher Robin? Good God these emo guys are a bunch of pussies!
Anyway, I'm an old fart I guess, but, in the words of Groucho Marx, "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
P.S. Why 27? I'll give you one guess.

We All Have to Grow Up Sometime

2005-07-19T22:31:00.000-04:00

Flaming Lips

2005-07-16T18:36:00.000-04:00

Listen to "Mr. Ambulance Driver" from the upcoming new Lips CD.

WOW!

2005-07-15T14:21:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure what part of this story is more ridiculous. The fact this idiot drank part of a case of shitty beer right before giving birth (although with a BAC of 0.21, it's more likely she drank the case by herself) or that she claimed to not even realize that she was pregnant. Or how about the fact that someone would have the guts to actually fuck this damn freak! Sorry to be so harsh, but yikes! (Thanks SFChick)

Silly Japanese Antics

2005-07-13T23:25:00.000-04:00

Click here to watch 'backpackjets1'

WHO?

2005-07-10T09:33:00.000-04:00

Lenny Kravitz...Professional Anachronism

2005-07-07T13:47:00.000-04:00

After reading SF Chick's post about Lenny Kravitz' new gig as an interior designer, I had to laugh. Poor Lenny. In the music world he'll always be a third generation Hendrix-clone, and in his new venture I'm afraid he's already been trumped as well...by Herve Villechaize! Yes, the diminutive, dead midget, famous for sighting seaplanes well ahead of much taller Hispanic gentlemen, was into the design game long ago. Lenny can only drool over the fantastic worlds that Herve created with just a few throw pillows and some shag carpeting. Visit for yourself Herve's Luv Pad!
And yes, SF, you are quite right. Rock and Roll is dead.

FAST FILM

2005-07-07T11:50:00.000-04:00

This film contains everything that a great movie should contain: a hero played by a guy like Bogey, Cary Grant or Sean Connery; a beautiful girl like Marylin, Liz Taylor or Brigitte Bardot; and a super-evil villain like Godzilla, Dr. No, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, Frankenstein or Dracula. In fact, this movie does contain all of these characters! Throw in a love story, a spectacular chase, and an enormous good against bad final battle, and this is what you get. All in just under 14 minutes, no less.

WATCH FAST FILM

2005-07-04T09:26:00.000-04:00

"What, to the American slave, is your 4th of July? I answer; a day that reveals to him, more than all other days in the year, the gross injustice and cruelty to which he is the constant victim. To him, your celebration is a sham; your boasted liberty, an unholy license; your national greatness, swelling vanity; your sound of rejoicing are empty and heartless; your denunciation of tyrants brass fronted impudence; your shout of liberty and equality, hollow mockery; your prayers and hymns, your sermons and thanks-givings, with all your religious parade and solemnity, are to him, mere bombast, fraud, deception, impiety, and hypocrisy -- a thin veil to cover up crimes which would disgrace a nation of savages. There is not a nation on the earth guilty of practices more shocking and bloody than are the people of the United States, at this very hour."

Not much has changed in the over 100 years that Frederick Douglass delivered this speech. Only the facts that more and more of us are becoming inslaved to rich, corporate America, we are well on our way to tyranny and don't even realize it, and, at this stage, a lot of Americans don't have enough education to figure any of this out. I used to wonder how Germany was so easily persuaded to follow Hitler down a path of tyranny and destruction. Not anymore. Do something about it.

FUCKER!!!!!

2005-06-30T00:06:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry. After the November election, I vowed to change the direction of this blog and not directly engage the enemy. However, last night President Bush tried to rescue his failed Iraq policy in a nationally televised address by connecting the Iraq war to the war on terror. He is trying to change the subject from Iraq to terrorism and September 11—implying that Iraq attacked us in 2001. I'm just hoping that common sense Americans are not buying into this shit. Well?

Whoa...This is not What it Looks Like!

2005-06-29T17:20:00.000-04:00

As long as I'm on the subject of breakfast:
take a peek at the Cybernetic Parrot Sausage

Eggagog

2005-06-28T12:26:00.000-04:00

This has got to be one of the weirdest blogs on the web. Thompat, one of the craziest fuckers I know, states quite frankly "I don't know what to make of it!"
Is it for real? Is it a symptom of one deranged man's mental illness? Does it even matter? Because, in some really bizarre way, it's fascinating. Check out the doings of the creeps, the super mop-tops, the spagetti sauces, and King Winkles.

Darth Cruise

2005-06-26T23:18:00.000-04:00

Tom Cruise has added to his illustrious resume a new expertise: SITH LORD!!!
tom_cruise_kills_oprah.mov

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